Thursday, January 1, 2015

Scientist Trains Teenager to Use Human Speech

by News Biscuit:

Following successful experiments teaching chimpanzees to use sign language, Dr Greg Watts has announced the first examples of human teen speech.

‘What we were all taught in medical school is that the vocal chords go through a maturation process, and that inarticulacy is inevitable during the adolescent phase'.

'I’ve always doubted this theory - MRI scans show no major anatomical changes, and postmortem examination of teenagers tragically killed in accidents, or just twatted by annoyed parents, has confirmed this'.

‘We then conducted recreational post-mortem examinations on teenagers - technically, this is murder, but I don’t think any jury would convict. Same result - no anatomical variations'.

‘We’ve been training a small group of teenagers to use human speech by offering rewards - time on the Xbox, food, a look at a woman’s boobies, puerile humour on DVD - and it turns out they were just lazy. Perfectly capable of speech, they just couldn’t be arsed'.

‘We’ve published a series of conversations in Nature. Teenagers are similar to humans in their interests - sex and chips are the main themes. The first teen word we heard was ‘whatevs’, and this turns out to represent 28% of all words uttered by the creatures.’

When asked about the impact of the research, Dr Watts told reporters that this was ‘a year I’ll never get back. Frankly, I got more sense out of the chimps. Turns out it’s possible to converse with teenagers, it just isn’t worth doing’.

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